Not Pregnant

Last night, I got my monthly reminder that I am, again, NOT pregnant. I know this is a weird thing to announce, since people don't usually tell a public audience when they're trying to have a baby, but...we're trying to have another baby. I figured it was obvious anyway, since Josh is almost two and I've got no career, schooling, or health problems stopping me. We've only been trying for a few months so far, which I know is nothing compared to some couples, and is even less than nothing compared to miscarrying. I'm not writing this to organize a pity-party for myself or even to put myself in the same category as others who have experienced real pregnancy trials. I've just been in a weird funk about it recently and had a sort of breakthrough that I think might potentially comfort others in the same situation.

I know that most people reading this already know how I'm feeling, to some degree. The irresistible urge to take pregnancy tests too early and too often, going through tests almost faster than Kleenex. Enduring the awkward, intense excitement and dread of waiting the two minutes for results, so badly wanting to look but being terrified of another negative. The hope that I might be putting on extra weight for a good reason this month. Imagining that my bra might be getting a little too tight, or that my nose is getting a little more sensitive to dirty diapers. Thinking my occasional headaches and nausea and heart burn and dizziness are due to something that actually matters. The freedom to cry and overreact and demand specific foods as much as I want, attributing my emotional instability to my raging "pre-pregnancy" hormones. I guess early pregnancy and PMS do have a lot of the same symptoms. This past week has done wonders to support the placebo effect -- when I think I'm pregnant, I most certainly act pregnant. 

And fortunately for me, I have a husband who gets nearly as excited about pregnancy as I do. Especially recently. Matt randomly starts up conversations about our future children's names. He says things in pregnancy-talk, like "Oh my gosh, stop right there and let me look at you! You are GLOWING right now!" Or "Wait a sec, I think I see the faintest blue line right there! See it? Yeah, maybe you should take another test in the morning." He refers to himself as "Super Sperm" because Josh came around exactly as planned. (And because Josh is a male. Apparently we aren't having any girls??) And, right or wrong, he loves to see me "swollen with child." Personally, I think I look my best when I'm tiny and fit. When my tummy doesn't hang over my jeans and I'm not embarrassed to wear short sleeves or worried about my double chin in front of the camera. But my dear Matt, apparently, prefers an extra forty pounds around my middle. Yesterday he literally sighed when he saw one of my old monthly preggo pictures come up on the computer, and openly proclaimed his love for my roundness. Yes, the man is delusional, but I kinda love it.

Not being pregnant can be a real downer. Especially when I feel ready. When I see my toddler give sweet little hugs and kisses to younger kids at church. When I'm jealous of the new moms who get to breastfeed and have that precious close relationship with a newborn. When my parents want more grandkids.

But at the same time, it can be an unexpected blessing. I truly believe that Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. He knows when is the best time to send His spirit children into our care. He knows what struggles we need to endure to strengthen our character and give meaning to our earthly experience. Today while I was reading a totally unrelated Conference talk, I got a strong feeling that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me, and He's going to take care of me. That doesn't necessarily mean that He's going to send me another baby soon, or even at all. But I've realized that I shouldn't feel so entitled to receive another of His perfect little spirit children into my care whenever I feel like it. They're His children to begin with. 

My timing is not always consistent with the Lord's timing. That goes for anything. In words, it's one of the simplest lessons there is. But in reality, it's one of the most difficult truths to accept. Like I said a few months ago, FAITH is one of those super important things I'm working on. It's hard not to be in control of some of the biggest parts of my life. But everyone feels that way and everyone copes. The most helpful thing I've come to understand is that Heavenly Father knows what's best for me. As long as I'm doing all I can, He will take care of the rest when the time is right.

In the meantime, my sister and I joke about having a "non-pregnant party". Every month that we both have our dreaded periods, we talk about doing things that pregnant people can't do. Tanning, riding roller coasters, bungee jumping, using cleaning chemicals in  enclosed spaces, taking Sudafed, eating shark, sniffing glue, smoking. (Okay, you can tell from the last few how serious we really are...we both hate seafood.) 

The point is, there is probably more that I can do with the extra non-pregnant time I have been given. I can use this time to get in better shape before my abs are stretched apart again. I can spend more time and energy helping others who are "with child" themselves. Maybe there's more I can do to prepare my home and my family for another baby. I can make sure my relationships with my husband and son are extra strong, so when I really go all crazy and hormonal on them, they'll put up with me better. Or, like I said before, I can grow myself some faith.