Not for any particular reason, the last few mom weeks have been low. I think everything just builds up once in a while and needs to be cried out. All the bending over to wipe up spilled apple juice and gloppy oatmeal, all the suppressed screams at my children for not listening, all the ten-minute nap attempts interrupted to break up fights, all the rejected meals that I spend time making, all the boogers and poop and spit that I have to touch and smell constantly. I swear, if I sit on another wet toilet seat today, my anger will jump out of my skin, possess the nearest farm animal, and run through a brick wall.
It's too much sometimes. It makes me feel weak and breakable. Little people should not have so much power over big people, but THEY DO. They can flip my emotions faster than anyone. I can be filled with dangerous rage toward them, just barely resisting the urge to throw them out a window, and a minute later I am crying into their soft, sticky hair, ferociously cuddling them, as if losing their love would be worse than death.
But it's hard to remember those feelings when I've been trying to tune out someone's tantrum for thirty minutes, and the baby's crying in my ear, and dinner is burning on the stove, and my husband is still working, and I just stepped on a piece of cold banana, and I can't figure out where that awful smell is coming from, and oh, it's me because I haven't showered in two days, and we all have to be at baseball practice in eleven minutes, and did someone seriously just have the nerve to knock on my door when I wasn't expecting them?, and I can't find my phone, and oh my gosh all I want to do is sleep by myself in a hotel room for a week in Fiji PLEASE!!!
So here's my therapy for today. Instead of spending Adele's nap time surfing Facebook and Instagram, trying to escape from my day into the soul-sucking dimension of social media, I'm doing some reflection.
Glennon Melton from Momastery has taught me some really great things. If you are a mom who has ever used the internet, you have probably read this article, called "Don't Carpe Diem". Glennon says that not all moments of motherhood have to be cherished, because a lot of them straight up blow chunks. But if we can find a few moments of Kairos in each day, maybe it all will seem worth it.
Today, I looked up from my phone and saw Adele sitting in Josh's lap, playing with his face and dodging kisses with a shy little smile. Josh was using his super high baby voice, and I could hear the happiness flow straight out of his body and into Adele's bright eyes.
Today, I took a break from researching flowers for my sister's wedding and taught Jude how to draw a flower. We spent the next while covering a whole paper with every color of flower together. After that, he was in such a good mood that he yelled excitedly from the bathroom to announce that he remembered to put the toilet seat up before he went pee. Victory!
Today, after I bribed the boys to empty the dishwasher, I caught Josh reorganizing the whole cupboard of kid dishes, so proud of his work to make more space for me.
Today, both boys did a whole thirty minute work-out video with me. They huffed and puffed, and after their short breaks, they came back saying "Oh, this is SO easy for me!" When the exercises got too complicated, they made up their own spin moves and did sprints across the carpet. It made me laugh for real.
Today, Adele kissed me right on the mouth and touched her forehead to mine so sweetly. This action of hers is filled with so much affection that it's like a hug or a kiss, but I don't have a name for it yet.
And today, baseball practice was canceled due to rain, which makes my evening exceptionally easier. I'm feeling so pumped, I might even make a real dinner.
Maybe...
See Mimi, today wasn't so bad. There's still bed time to get through, but you'll make it!
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2 comments:
Well said, Mimi, Well said. I need to be more like you.
AMEN!
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