Can't Sleep

Matt is currently having one of his super restful nights of sleep in which his limbs flail around randomly and occasionally swat me in the face. And since I had a nap on the couch from 9:45 to 11:30 tonight while he was out playing basketball, I'm having trouble falling asleep quickly enough.

Plus I'm stewing. Stewing over little comments made by my wonderful, perfect husband tonight that should not bother me at all. But they do, of course, because I'm pregnant. Pregnant and crazy. You are about to see how emotionally unstable I am right now.

I cried the whole time I was making grilled cheese sandwiches tonight in the kitchen. I was about fifteen feet away from Matt, within earshot, but he didn't notice because he was playing with our little boy like a good daddy. Why was I crying?

When Matt came home from school earlier, all I could talk about were negative, irritating things that happened to me today, and how hungry I was, and how nothing sounded good to eat but I needed to eat right away. (Kind of like I do every single night.) Eventually he said to me in a very non-aggressive and non-offensive way,

"Why are you doing this right now?"

Guess what...I have no idea WHY I do anything when I am pregnant. I started crying because I suddenly realized how little control I have over my emotions and my moods and pretty much everything in my life right now. I can't find any sort of rational reason for my behavior sometimes. I can't take control of this kind of situation by bucking up and toughing it out because something in my body won't let me, no matter how hard my personality tries to be strong.

And the problem is, I'm totally aware of all this. I can't claim complete insanity. My brain wants me to be strong on hard days and to use mechanisms that calm or comfort me and give me willpower, but my body wants me to collapse in an uncomfortable heap on the floor and cry until everything somehow feels a little better. That is my pregnant self. Out of control. Emotionally crazy.

Guess what else.... I'm stewing about the last conversation Matt and I had before bed tonight. We were sitting on the couch after watching Modern Family. I was complaining more about being pregnant, trying to relate to him what I was feeling so he could give me some sympathy and want to rub my feet a little longer. I'm sure he's so sick of that by now. I wish I had recorded that conversation so I could get all the words right and have somebody tell me that I'm justified in feeling peeved by it, but you'll just have to accept my version of it for now.

ME:   I wish you could be pregnant right now. I wish you could be pregnant and I could go to school.

MATT:   I could be pregnant.

ME:   I could go to school.

(pause to imagine that life...if only...)

ME:   I don't think you'd know exactly what you were getting yourself into. I can't explain--

MATT:    Neither would you.

(Hold on...WHAT??? Is he suggesting something here? That one role is equally as difficult as the other when he has NO IDEA??? Like business school would be harder for me than pregnancy???)

ME:  I could go to school.

MATT:   I could be pregnant.

ME:  School isn't something totally different for me. I've kind of experienced it before, and I'm good at it.

MATT:   I've been sick before. And sore.

ME:   And emotionally/hormonally crazy? Pregnancy is not exactly the same as being sick!

This is where I stop talking because I know nothing nice is going to come out of my mouth. Here is what I want to say:

"Oh yeah?! You know what it's like to be sick and sore and tired for nine months straight with no breaks? You know what it's like to have all your organs smashed up inside your abdomen making it hard to breathe and eat and sleep and move and sit and stand and walk and run and bend over and wear real clothing and care for a two-year-old? You know what it's like to simultaneously want to eat everything and eat nothing while you feel like you could vomit at any moment? You know what it's like to have a living person growing inside you, sucking away all your energy and kicking your body from all different painful angles? Using your bladder as a squeeze toy every minute of every day? Did I mention this is all happening for nine months straight with no breaks?

"This is not like the flu that lasts a few days and you get to sleep it out on the couch while your wife takes care of you 24/7. It is not like feeling sore for a few days after a tough workout. It's not like missing a couple nights of sleep because you're up writing important papers for school or work. It is like all those things times fifty for nine months straight with no breaks! Plus the crazy hormonal emotional part that you couldn't possibly begin to understand. And I haven't even started in on the disgusting parts of pregnancy that would be unladylike to mention..."

Anyway, because I did not respond at that very moment, these thoughts have festered in me for a couple of hours and kept me awake. Why did I immediately feel so defensive? Like I needed to remind him that he has never been a pregnant woman, and therefore has no room to claim or accidentally imply that business school would be a fair trade?

Now let's get one thing straight before you think I'm the most ungrateful wife ever. I know that Matt does way more work for school than I realize. He does all kinds of things I have no experience with, like interviewing and networking and blah blah blah...stuff that would quite frankly scare or bore the pants off me. I appreciate him, I do. And I don't resent him for this conversation we had, mostly because he was 90% asleep when he was responding and was obviously not trying to say anything that would offend me.

The reason I write this is because there is a lesson to be learned here tonight. A word of advice for all you men out there who have not yet impregnated a lady -- when she whines about the discomforts of pregnancy, never ever EVER say anything that would even imply that you know how she feels!! 

Men don't understand what female hormone fluctuations are like from the inside. They don't understand why one or two words or an unkind facial expression or a small failure can open the flood gates and bring the crazy out all of the sudden. Also, all that physical stuff I mentioned before that goes on for nine months straight -- a little hard to comprehend if you haven't experienced it.

Actually, make that aren't currently experiencing it. Because up until last summer, I didn't remember what it was like to be pregnant. I still think that last time was easy peasy, while Matt seems to remember me struggling a lot more. Something about that magical memory eraser that works in women after they give birth...it makes us want to actually do it again. To have more children. We forget the pain and the negatives and only see the end result as being worth it.

Thank Goodness for that!

Anyway, now that I've gotten this off my chest, I'm going to try to sleep. Quick recap:  I love my husband. I hate being pregnant right now. I am definitely an emotional nut-case. Goodnight.