Written last night by a tired mother

Today I had a few moments all to myself. ALL TO MYSELF.

I know. Can you believe it?

I haven't been alone, in complete silence, without someone needing me or checking on me or talking at me in more than three weeks. Not since that first night in the hospital after I had Jude...

(Fade to dramatic flashback...)

I was lying in bed in the dim light of my postpartum room completely alone. Matt was home showering and getting my mom all settled in to take care of Josh during our hospital stay. Jude was in the NICU (I'll explain later), so I had a few hours of quiet alone time while I was stuck in bed waiting for the feeling to return to my legs.

I should've been sleeping. But as exhausted as I was, I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking about how different my life was about to become. Because as rare as Mommy Time is with one kid, I knew life with two kids was going to be a whole different ball game. Especially when one of them is basically attached to my breast, depending solely on me for sustenance every couple of hours. I found myself lying in bed awake trying to cherish what could be my last couple hours of solitude for...pretty much for the rest of forever.

But then, this afternoon happened.

Matt's classes started back up today. (He had a very low key finals week followed by spring break before this, so we've been lucky to have him home with us since the baby was born.) While he went to school for a few hours, I was left with the boys. Around 2:30, I finally got Josh to stay in his room for a little nap. At that point, Jude was sleeping peacefully on the couch. As I closed Josh's bedroom door and went to sit down with a big glass of water, all of the sudden I realized what I had...

Solitude.

And silence.

Not the kind of "silence" that comes when a white noise machine tries to cover up the sounds of kids and neighbors and garbage trucks and sirens when Matt lets me nap in the morning. Not the creepy kind of uncomfortable silence in a movie theater when something terrible is about to happen on screen. I mean the kind of silence that might not really be technically silent at all, but no minor sounds seem to bother you because you are alone and your brain can turn off for a while and you can take in the nothing that is going on around you. That is what I felt for a few short moments.

And then the thought came to me, so many possibilities! Should I take a nice bubble bath? Should I read a book for long enough to actually get into the storyline? Should I shower and pretty myself up for once? Should I take a nap? Should I break out the ice cream and relax on the couch while pretending to be interested in whatever soap opera happens to be on TV? Should I catch up on house work? (Psh...yeah right.) Should I play the piano? Should I write? Should I sew?

I had no idea what to do with myself. So I just thought while I puttered around for about fifteen minutes, reviewing to-do lists, responding to emails, checking the calendar.... Until I heard Josh hop out of bed and try to open his door (which he never does) and exclaim that he was ready to wake up. Ready to read a book. To get a drink. To go outside and play. To do anything but nap. So out he came and we read a little book together on the couch until Jude woke up and needed to nurse again.

Bye bye Mommy Time. I blew it. I wasn't prepared for a surprise 15 minute period of solitude, so I wasted those precious moments with everyday humdrum mom responsibilities that I could've done anytime. Next time, I will have a plan.

That is, if there ever is a next time. Which brings me to my point. Just this week, Josh has decided that he's too grown up for naps. Most days he won't fall asleep in the afternoon, and then he's a real grouch by dinner and we argue and threaten each other until bed time. AYAYAY. I guess it's about time for that transition anyway, even if I'm not ready.

Any advice on what to do with your kids when nap time disappears? How to get through the evening meltdowns? How to keep your sanity??