Justification for Chick Flicks

Dear Nicholas Sparks,

I know your secret. I've got you all figured out. You are a woman trapped inside a man's body.

How else could you come up with the most picture-perfect male love interests, with slight variations, in each of your many books? How do you think and desire like a woman if, in fact, you do not have the correct plumbing? Do you take estrogen? Are you a psychiatrist for desperate love-stricken females? Seriously, do you like men??

Let's look at the resume of, for example, Zac Efron's character in "The Lucky One":

- 25 years old

- Marine Corps veteran

- Lost and confused coming home from the war, adding mystery and vulnerability.

- Has real man survival skills. Can walk halfway across the country with nothing but his dog and a backpack, sleeping in fields and whatnot.

- Incredibly hard-working, not an ounce of lazy.

- Loves animals and is good with kids.

- Fiercely protective of women and children.

- Lacks the testosterone-fueled urge to pick a fight when idiots come around.

- Plays the piano. I repeat, plays the piano.

- Fixes things, like tractors, boats, showers and old houses.

- Does the dishes.

- Goes to church with the family.

- Capable of friendship before romance.

Roll all this into a shirt full of muscles, top it off with a nice set of eyes, and every female in the audience is a goner.

It doesn't matter who you are, or what your idea of the perfect man is. When you read a Nick Sparks book, or watch one of his movies, any preconceived preferences go out the window. For a while, you will picture that fictional person and almost believe that this is what you've wanted all along.

Reality will try to bring you back down to earth: What's that? The guy doesn't have any education whatsoever? Who needs it! What? He's only 5'7" in real life? Not a problem! As long as he can speak with his eyes and radiate undying love through his muscles, he is The One.

Seriously though, Nicholas, how do you know what women want?? Can you read minds? If you do not explain yourself, I'll be forced to believe that you truly are a woman, writing books about your own fantasies or embellished life experiences. I simply will not believe that a man can get inside my head.

With love and fear,

Mimi

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I could send Mr. Sparks this letter, along with some other hate mail about how he gives women an unrealistic idea of men and causes our expectations to be too high for reality, thus ruining our romantic relationships. He's right up there with Stephenie Meyer, except at least she created characters that are obviously not possible to find in the real world. Spoiler alert, girls -- you will NEVER find a man exactly like Edward Cullen because undead vampires simply do not exist. What's your safety net, Nick?

However, I will not send this. My romantic relationship actually does not suffer one bit after I read/watch the stories of Nicholas Sparks, and it's not just because their ultra-predictable plots keep my brain from being fully absorbed.

It's because after I'm through, my rational side makes me stop and think. I think about what it is that made that muscley-armed actor seem so dreamy in the story. Because that's all he was -- an actor, pretending to be something he was not. And I think about what it is that attracts me to my husband, and how, with the right amount of cheesiness and cinematography, our story could be just as emotionally thrilling as any. (So could yours, by the way.)

I met my Matt right after he came home from his mission. Two years of traveling almost everywhere on foot in the Brazilian sun had given him a delicious tan (as long as he kept his shirt on) and a cute little accent sometimes. He was a little lost and vulnerable, assimilating back into the college world of dating after spending so long with smelly boys for companions. He was my friend first, my boyfriend second. He is fiercely protective of me and of his children. He is athletic. He is kind and compassionate to everyone. He gets better looking every day. He is well educated. He is a hard worker. He fixes things. He does the dishes. He cooks. He plays the piano. And the guitar, and the trumpet, and he sings. He takes me to church every Sunday. And he sweeps me off my feet like no one else ever could.

How's that for REAL romance, Nicky-poo?

So husbands out there, here is my two cents on what you can do to improve a marriage: let your ladies have their chick flicks! And let them experience these chick flicks with other chicks, so they can enjoy the flick, without your gagging sounds and audible eye-rolls interrupting every deliciously romantic moment on screen. If you're lucky, in your lady's eyes, she will become The Girl and you will become The Boy, and she will come home with kisses, after having watched your love story unfold all over again in a new way.

Yes, Nicholas Sparks has a style that is undeniably corny. A lot of his story lines and characters stray just far enough away from reality that they are not believable. But I have to admit, sometimes they get to me. That little love fantasy world of his is an emotional ride I just can't resist!