No, child!

Do you ever feel like all you do all day long is say NO to your kids? I wish I had a daily word count on that one.

Lucky for me, I have a baby who prefers glass, fire, and electricity to the blocks and toys that were specifically designed for his destructive age group. Heaven forbid I should try to do anything for myself while Jude is awake, like brush my teeth or put on a bra. He requires both of my eyes and hands at all times.

This is my day so far:

No Jude, pulling Mommy's hair out while she tries to sleep is not a game.

No Josh, your soaking wet pull-up does not go on the kitchen counter. Neither do your wet pants.

No, we probably shouldn't wear shorts when it's cold and frosty outside.

No Jude, we don't put Mommy's phone in your open poopy diaper while her hands are busy wiping you.

Josh, what did I say about the counter?! It's for food, not shoes!

No, we cannot go to preschool yet. We have a long time to wait this morning because you woke up way way way too early.

No, we don't really have enough time to watch all of Cars 2 before school.

Who me?

No, Mommy's too tired to read that book to you right now. Pick a short one.

Jude, don't push the buttons on the cable box while your brother is watching a show.

Jude, don't touch the fireplace! Didn't you learn anything last time when your little fingertips got pink and blistered from the hot glass?

No, we don't tear apart library books. Don't scribble in them either.

We don't eat garbage.

We don't eat chapstick.

No Jude, do NOT try to cram my great-grandmother's bracelet down the vent! I have to pass that on to your little sister someday.

That does not mean go for the earrings I wore on my wedding day instead.

Please don't pull out all the pots and pans and bang them around until my floor looks like an actual oak tree attacked by beavers.

No Jude, don't crawl into the wet shower. I just got you dressed.

No, you don't get to use the spoon today because you flick food everywhere.

Jude, do NOT play with that outlet! Did YOU make all those scratches on the wall with the prongs on my phone charger? If you're going to try to secretly plug things in, you should at least work on your aim.

No Jude, don't slam my perfume bottle into the tile. It does make a wonderfully loud sound, but it will break, and then I will add it to your tab.

Oh Baby Jude, you and Josh will be mowing the lawn for free for many many years to cover the cost of your damages.

That's right, better start practicing now.

Other things I have said "no" to today:  hitting the TV with the Play Station controller, drawing on the screen, drawing on Jude's face, climbing in the dishwasher, sucking on the sound machine cord (while plugged in), biting Mommy, dropping food off the high chair tray, and jamming fingers into my eyes and nose.

Seriously, this all happened today. Before noon. And Josh was at preschool most of the morning, so this is only half of the usual no's.

I know, I should just think about how we'll all laugh about this someday.

Someday...but maybe not today.